Dealing with Conflict

Since I last posted in November, I have been pretty busy with school, work, traveling to visit family for Christmas, and spending some time with Jessie during his break from school. :-) We celebrated 18 months together earlier in January. It's crazy how time passes by so quickly!

Lately I've been thinking about the subject of conflict in relationships. Any close relationship is bound to have conflict at some time or another. While Jessie and I get along very well the majority of the time, we still have times when we argue and get upset with each other. It's a dream of mine to write a book someday on the subject of healthy romantic relationships. I look around me and see so many couples who are hurting, broken, and confused about what a "real" relationship looks like. Jessie and I are learning so much, and we are so grateful for our parents and other mentors who share their wisdom with us, but more importantly, lead us by their examples.

There are a few things we've learned in the past few months about dealing with conflicts that can be applied to really any relationship (not just romantic ones.) I thought it'd be good for me to write those things out, and share them here as well. :-)

1.) Pray. This is hard to do in the heat of the moment. It can be easy to want to wallow in anger. Praying for God to soften your hearts as you deal with conflict is really important. It's even better if you can do this together. It's hard to remain angry at someone you pray for.

2.) Don't fight via social media. It is so easy to text your way into a heated argument. Tone can be misunderstood very easily. It is far better to talk face-to-face with someone you are in a conflict in. Seeing emotional responses does a lot towards softening hearts rather than when you are protected by the anonymity of a screen. Jessie and I have discovered that even a phone call is not the best option for us when we're dealing with a conflict long-distance. A video call is the closest thing we have to face-to-face discussion, and it's hard to stay angry for long when you see the hurt on someone else's face.

3.) Communicate clearly. One of the traps I fall into constantly is expecting that certain things should just be assumed or understood. While that is true in some cases, I have to remember that Jessie (or anyone else) is not a mind reader. If I don't clearly express my expectations or desires, it shouldn't surprise me if they're not met. 

4.) Remember that you're fighting for resolution, not to win an argument. This is a big one. The goal of conflict resolution should be to understand where the other person is coming from, understand the root cause, explain what hurt you and why, and then resolve the issue. If we are set on being right all the time, we will lose many valuable relationships.

5.) Be humble and quick to forgive. In most instances, blame for a conflict lies on both people. Learn to accept your share of the blame, apologize for hurting the other person, forgive them for their part, and then agree to move on and discuss it no longer. The simple mantra of "forgive and forget" is easy to say, but definitely takes effort to do.

So there you have it! These are some of the lessons I've been learning lately. :-) Hopefully I'll be back soon to post more about what's going on in my life lately!